Old Friend, New Nemesis...

Old Friend, New Nemesis

Hello my new nemesis formerly my old friend.

I see you trying to poke your head into my life again.

I escaped you once, you returned, again I broke free.

Now it's the dawn of a new day, a new era, a new me.

You fucked me over once and impregnated me with hate.

But I gave birth to redemption and I'm raising a clean slate

Your old tricks have no power over the new me that I am.

You can knock on my door all you want, I don't give a damn.

Your demise is made clear by this smile on my face.

I'm closing you down like an open and shut case.

You had full control of me once upon a time.

You were cruel and demanding and hard on my mind.

Now I'm in control and running this show.

You were indeed strong, but it was time for you to go.

You have been evicted never to be allowed back in.

Yours truly, your new nemesis, formerly your old friend.


Okay so here's the deal, this is new to me. I am officially in uncharted waters.  What I do know is this, for the first time ever, I don't have that feeling like I HAVE to be in total control.  That doesn't mean i'm enjoying a free fall with no direction, but more like i'm allowing myself to venture into the unknown without having previously obtained knowledge of things.
I just finished creating that piece.  It took me longer then I thought it would.  I had started it and then set it aside for a couple weeks before it started nagging me as to why i couldn't finish it.  My cousin from back east put it in perspective for me, she said its because I wasn't ready to be done with it yet.  That was all the motivation I needed to finish it. I am indeed ready to be done with it and so I finished it.
So if you haven't figured out by now what the topic of this creation is, let me shine a little light on the subject with the help of my friends over at webmd......

"(WebMD)  More than one in 20 Americans aged 12 and older are depressed, according to the latest statistics from the CDC.

Of them, 80% report some level of functional impairment because of their illness, with 27% reporting that it is extremely difficult to work, get things done at home, or get along with others because of the symptoms of their depression."

I learned a very valuable fact recently.  There's a reason they say the first step in fixing a problem is to first admit you have one.  The single most hardest thing for a strong individual to do is to admit to having a problem they can't fix on their own.  We give depression its greatest weapon against us. Pride!  Our pride takes a major hit when we have to ask for help, not sure why it does but I know it does. That's why the first step is admitting you have a problem because its the hardest step.  Here's some more fun facts I found...

"Only 29% of depressed individuals said that they contacted a mental health professional in the past year, and just 39% of people with severe depression contacted a mental health professional in the past year."

That kinda points to it right there. Even when we know we're going through and are in the midst of depression we still resist the urge to go get help.  There is such a stigma put on psychology and psychiatrist that we fear seeking their assistance.

I used to want to be a psychologist. I started going to school for it and got within 2 years of my bachelor degree.  I should know better. I do know better. I also know that it is so hard fighting through the clutches of depression.  I was lucky, I had a recent event snap me out of my slide. It was in that moment, when my pride was stripped away, that I was able to take off the depression colored glasses and start seeing life through my own eyes again.  I didn't realize it at the time, I just felt a great sense of relief, like a great weight was lifted from my shoulders.  When i looked back I was able to see that my pride was keeping me from getting help and allowing depression to guide me down a dark and lonesome path that would have only ended in destruction.  I broke free and believe me, I'm not going back.

Depression is like an addiction.  It gets a hold of you and you be come dependent on it.  It feeds on every single emotion we have by using our pride against us.  Your fears of discovery, your fears of loss, even your fears of being happy.  They're all turned against us through pride.  I'm not professional and I don't have any medical degrees.  What I do have is life experience and my experience has taught me that no matter how bleak or hopeless a situation may seem, we are not alone.  we're never alone.  We aren't able to see the helping hands reaching for us because depression is whispering in our ears.  Knowing depression is an addiction, I know its a constant battle to keep it at bay. I know that I need to continuously enjoy the little things that bring me joy.  The small moments of happiness build up the defenses.

It nice to get back to me, to get back to seeing the joy and happiness each day brings.  Its not about who notices my new love of life, its about ME noticing it and bathing in it each day.  Getting excited when I see a rainbow. Taking time to stop and let a cool breeze blow over me.  The simple things that can bring us so much pleasure yet we let pass us by every day.  I love me some me, I just had to remember that I am worthy of the love. I am lovable and I deserve the smile I wear on my face.  It feels good to feel good.

So I share my brand new creation in the tiniest of hope that on some level, someone, somewhere will come across this and maybe it'll encourage them to take that first step towards healing. To see that there is hope, it is possible to beat it and there are plenty of people who've done it and are willing to help them do it too.
Always remember....

Look Up

 

In times of despair when all hope is gone.

The sky stays dark from dusk till dawn.

No love no joy no relief in sight.

Frustration and pain drain your strength to fight.

Life has no meaning nothing seems fair.

You stand alone no desire to care.

Raise your head stand tall you're just stalled not stuck.

Remember when you're on the bottom, there's no place to go but up.

To Summarize...

Okay so my previous post got a bit longer then I anticipated but once I started writing it just flowed out. What are ya gonna do right.  In thinking about it though, I believe I can sum up what it is i was trying to say I want.  Simply put, I want something that is going to last, something that can endure the test of time.

I've written about it, I think about it. I do little things to see if I can spark it. The reality of the matter is, I don't and wont know until I can look back and say wow, she's been around through it all, she's survived through thick and thin and here she stands.  Then and only then will i know I've found what I'm looking for.  Anybody can say I'll be around no matter what, but trust me, it's a lot harder to be an unconditional friend then you think.  To stand by or with someone no matter what they go through or what life throws at them.  You have to be in it for the absolute right reasons or you'll get crushed by the force of life. 

Okay, so I'm doing it again, start talking about emotional stuff and the words pour out of me like a broken water hydrant.  I need to stop here and just leave you with my summary of what it is I want.  Two simple poems that say it all, that true test of time love....Enjoy

U & I

 

Love of one, love of two

A love of old made new

A love from which there's no place to hide

The love shared between you and I

Out Of No Where

 

Excuse me miss, where did you come from?

How in the world did you get here.

Just when I thought I was all alone,

Out of no where you appear.

I thought I was safe, never again,

Would I let cupid strike me down.

But somehow you're in my thoughts,

Every time I turn around.

I said I give up on love I'll have,

Nothing to do with it.

But you caressed and stroked my heart,

And to this day you just won't quit.

I tried to run, I tried to fight it, I tried,

To push it away.

But ever morning when I wake up,

Thoughts of you begin my day.

So I surrender, no point in fighting,

If this is the way that it must be.

I must acknowledge the final fact,

That I'll love you for eternity.

Let the world hear me confess,

Mr. Cupid has knocked me to the floor.

I began this day in love with you, and

I'll love you forever more.

I Write About It, Becasue I Feel It...

I know now what it is i need.  I know I thrive on having someone to spoil and care for and love, who loves me back and just enjoys me for me.  The problem I run into is that I don't feel like I'm in a position to uphold my end of that bargain. The catch, is that I need that type of situation to propel me further.  Maybe it's a weakness or maybe its just who I am and I know how to get the most out of me.  I believe its just who I am.  I know I am a loving caring man who has buckets of love to give. I feed off of the encouragement a partner gives. I thrive in an environment where I'm getting positive feedback.

Its not easy to find that perfect balance without already being in that situation.  Usually we give up a apart of who we are to find someone we grow to trust and then we slowly open up and show them who we really are and hope they don't go running for the heals.  I wouldn't say I have trust issues, because I'm quick to give trust, I'm just not that quick to rebuild it once someone has broken it. Its not a matter of not forgiving, but more along the lines of protecting myself. I don't like to be hurt. Physical pain i can handle, its that emotional pain that cuts me the deepest and is the hardest for me to recover from.

I gave my all once.  Actually, I gave my all and then some. I went above and beyond the expected call of duty, and i did it freely.  My problem was, and I know this now, I gave up too much ground without demanding I get what I needed in return.  Befriend me and I'll bend over backwards for you.  Love me and I'll try to lasso the moon for you and deliver it on a big silver platter fully complimented with stars and other solar systems. Its who I am, its in my nature, I crave the appreciation of a love that recognizes love.  I gave all of that once and had it turned upside down on me.  I wasn't hurt by the words so much as the broken trust.  You can't truly be hurt unless you've truly opened your heart and loved.  I now have to consider myself damaged goods because i'm no where near the man I once was and could be.

They say the love of a good woman can change a man.  I say the love of a good woman to a good man can make that relationship perfect.  I am a perfect man when I have or at least believe I have the love of a good woman.  I crave it, I seek it, I dream and write about it.  It does leave me a bit vulnerable to charlatans and gold diggers, but it truly is a risk I have no problem taking if I get my Love tank filled.  I am not a normal man, I need more then just a good meal and good sex to make it through the day.  I can cook my own damn meal.  I need to be stimulated not just physically but mentally and emotionally.  I'm like a love cactus, if you are lucky enough to get close enough, you will get pricked with a whole lot of love needles. 

All in all, I just want someone who appreciates me for who I am, flaws and all and at this point, they have to be patient enough and understanding enough to realize I'm not going to just open up to them unless they show me they can understand.  There was a time I had more self confidence then I needed, and I was always able to get my way.  Now that self confidence has take a major hit and its been a lot harder to work my way through it.  All my life I was the lifeline for others.  I was the no strings attached encouragement they needed to get back on their feet.  I know what it looks like from the outside in, but i'm on the inside now and I just don't have a map for how to navigate these corridors.  Its an emotional maze that I keep going the wrong way in.

So here's to getting lost in love and loving the journey.  May we all find the kind of love that unleashes our own love tidal wave. I say I love you because I mean it.  I meant I love you because I said it.....Enjoy

Mind Body And Soul

 

Mind.

In my dreams I see you.  You stop my heart.

I feel drawn to your loving face.

An ever, glowing ember of happiness.

My mind begins to race.

 

Body.

In my fantasies I hear you.  You take my breath.

I'm entranced by the taste of your kiss.

An all consuming realm of passion.

My body is filled with bliss.

 

Soul.

In my desires I feel you.  You blow my mind.

I'm melted by, the warmth of your love.

An endless flow of tenderness.

My soul shall never get enough.

 

I am yours mind, body and soul.

And one more.

Too Good To Be True

 

I know what I desire

What things I seek

I'll settle for nothing less

My hearts on fire

I've lost my speech

My body is devoid of stress

You're refreshingly bright

More than anyone could want

And yet I just don't know

You love to cuddle at night

Your body's so smooth and taunt

When you speak your voice just flows

Could you really be here

All that I feel is so new

Have I finally found somewhere for my love to go

The question is clear

Are you too good to be true

The answer is yes I think so

 

I wish I could give in

Just be swept away

But fear makes me hesitate

You're such a great friend

I seek your face everyday

It seems from you there is just no escape

Just what would it take

Is there a test to give

Can I really trust my heart to you

Who's to say you're no fake

We learn as we live

Falling in love is just something we must do

There's so much I'll endure

Many trials I'll go through

Learning life's little lessons as I go

I just want to be sure

Are you too good to be true

The fact is I just don't know

Long Time Coming...

Okay so its been many, many, many months, years even, since i last updated this blog. So let me start off easy and simply say this is how i'm feeling lately.  This one never gets old because anytime you're feeling unappreciated or like you need to make yourself heard and felt, this one will apply.  I've been feeling like this alot lately but the strangest part is that i'm actually saying this to myself.  Its a lesson of life, you must first accept yourself for who you are before you can ever expect anyone else to accept you. don't hide from your faults, they are what make you who  you are.  I know my faults, and my assets, now i just need to remember that i am not the sum of my faults. Love me or hate me, I am Me...

I Am Me

 

Know me as I am

My goals, my dreams, my points of view

The way I think, the way I act

Should not be altered to comfort you

Know me as I am

 

Love me for me

Not because of what I do or what I can do

Don't love me because of what I've obtained

Possessions alone do not make a name

Love me for me

 

I am who I am

I cannot change myself to fit your life

My personality can't be molded into what you call right

I won't become something else to be accepted in your sight

I am who I am

 

I am me