11/17/2007

so here i am again. yet another update.  i've been pretty busy writing.  and even though not much poetry has been written, i have been busy writing short stories again.  its amazing and wonderful what you can do when you find your muse.  a muse can be a moment in time, a person, a memory.  for me my muse is just fantastic.  i am encouraged to write again.  nothing else matters.  not everyone in my life understands my writing and for that i have myself to blame..  always, always surround yourself with encouraging people. 
    if there was one piece of advice i could give young writers it would be to remember this.  what you write today may not touch a single soul today, but one day someone will read what you wrote and feel as if you are writing directly to them.  if you write for today thats okay too, make it fit your mood.  i write what my imagination and heart tell me to write.  i make no excuses for my finished products.  if it offends anyone then oh well.  if it feels personal to anyone, then i've done my job.  if you read it and you know me and you can instantly tell what i was talking about and the precise moment i was referring to then you are rare indeed.  and i thank you for noticing.  i dream in poetry. i dream in poetry blinded by love.  i write my emotions onto paper. i share my life with those that would read it.  i leave you with this.

I Am Me

 

Know me as I am

My goals, my dreams, my points of view

The way I think, the way I act

Should not be altered to comfort you

Know me as I am

 

Love me for me

Not because of what I do or what I can do

Don't love me because of what I've obtained

Possessions alone do not make a name

Love me for me

 

I am who I am

I cannot change myself to fit your life

My personality can't be molded into what you call right

I won't become something else to be accepted in your sight

I am who I am

 

I am me

even though i live my life as a hypocrite, this is truly how i feel.  don't attempt to mold me into your view of me.  i may go along for the ride for awhile, but rest assured, i will eventually grow tired of pretending and i will rebel one way or another. 

welcome to my mind, its a strange place to be
but at least you can leave when you want to

mr. me

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Happy Birthday To Me

I should be sleep, but since I’m not here goes a short update.

Right now I feel like shit, more specifically this is how I feel…

Misunderstood

Often I find myself standing in a world of my own.

Misunderstood I feel as if I’m facing the world alone.

No matter what I say or do, I feel as if I’m wrong.

All I ask is that maybe someday I’ll find a place to belong.

What purpose does my life serve? Why must I live?

It seems the more I obtain, the more I am forced to give.

I open my mouth to express my distress and I encounter ridicule.

When I feel as though I’m enlightening the world to my inner self, I’m made to feel like a fool.

Who can I turn to, that might relate to my level of existence?

Who can I find to rescue me from always being a victim of circumstance?

I struggle and fight just to maintain a simple level of sanity.

Each day I find less reason to continue, as the world dumps it’s problems on me.

Fighting this losing battle, I realize I’m doing no good.

Exhaustion has become my companion, as I remain misunderstood.

Its just how I feel right now. I don’t have the time to explain it completely, so I rely on past poems to explain it for me. Here’s another one to explain it…

Endless Misery

Nothing matters, I don’t matter, never did anyway.

I was born November 10th and even now I curse the day.

From the moment I inhaled I was destined to be,

Caught up in this cycle of endless misery.

Nothing fancy, nothing wild just a daily dose of hell.

I initiate each day already knowing I will fail.

I seek the mercy of a bullet to somehow set me free.

From being caught up in this cycle of endless misery.

Everyday I try my best but nothing matters at all.

The bigger the potential happiness the harder I fall.

When I think I’m finally walking right I’m knocked back to a crawl.

Life would be much better if it could just stop and dissolve.

Everything I touch always ends up going sour.

My desire to die and leave this world grows stronger by the hour.

It seems as though God gets pleasure by always choosing me.

To be caught up in this cycle of endless misery.

Nothing I do ever goes right I shouldn’t even try.

My life is one big joke that gets less funny as time goes by.

If only I could die so I wouldn’t always have to be.

Caught up in this cycle of endless misery.

Okay enough depression for now. I’ll do better to update later. I hope.

welcome to my mind, its a strange place to be
but at least you can leave when you want to

mr. me

11/9/2007 2:10:55 AM

So here I am at 2 in the morning trying to finally update my poetry blog. This time I can be honest and say I’ve been trying to keep it up to date but I really have been buried in work. With project deadlines and woogap updates due, I’ve been swamped. At least I have been very inspired to write.

The right kind of encouragement can inspire me to binge write. The funny thing is not everything I write will be about what encourages me. Right now I’m a bit light headed and not sleepy so there’s really no telling what direction I may go in. I will however try to keep it poetic.

Speaking of poetic, I thought I’d try and re cap some earlier creations and try to explain them away. I started a lil bit with my first poem ever written. It was for a girl back in jr high school, but that’s covered in an earlier post. So for today how bout we move ahead a bit and I share with you my most favorite poem. It was the first time I’d written a poem about something other then emotional affection. It was a poem about my favorite past time., daydreaming….

Daydreams

Sometimes I don’t feel like sleeping

But I don’t feel like being awake

So I lay back in my bed

In a solemn state

It’s not that I feel sick

But I feel more like screaming

So I relax my mind and I start daydreaming

Daydreaming is fun, if you let yourself go

At first you start with a small thought

Then let it grow

If you let your fantasies go free in your mind

Your daydream will be pleasant and you’ll have a great time

Not everyone can daydream some people just won’t

If you can’t think pleasantly then I suggest you don’t

Daydreams are special there’s no limit to the fun

Now leave me alone until my daydream is done

This poem gave me my poetic license. I learned that it was okay to take people on a ride with words and it was when I learned that drempt was a real word even though not all dictionaries carry it.

Now I realize that 90 if not 99% of all my creations are love poems of some kind. I love the feeling of loving. Hard to explain, I really enjoy the feeling of loving and being loved. I believe that love cannot be contained in a little box. We can’t bottle up love and tell it when and how to act. Love finds us and does with us what it wishes. If you love someone, tell them, let them know you love them. And then continue to love them no matter what. I don’t just believe in love, I believe in love unconditionally. You can’t say you love someone and then put conditions on it. I love you only if you love me back or I love you as long as you sign this marriage certificate and follow this strict set of rules. My love isn’t on a switch that gets shut off as soon as I find that one person to marry. I have so much love inside me that I have to share it or I’ll explode.

So what does any of that have to do with this, simple, when I go on a writing spree, most often its about a dream love. That perfect love. I fantasize about what it might be like to be loved unconditionally, then I write about it. I wish I could type as fast as I think. So many poems have been lost because I start thinking about them and I finish the whole damn thing in my mind before I can write a single word down. So I tend to create poems in pieces, I’ll write a line down and then another and then decide where in the poem to put them. So in a way I guess I don’t just write poems, I construct them.

Here’s something I wrote last year, not yet released for public eyes until now. I thought I’d share this with you because, well because you are my fans and I owe you something new now and then. This one is personal to me, I felt the words as I typed them. I studied them and kept going till it felt right. I tried to capture what many a person must feel at some point in time. I hope you feel it as I do.

Mind Twister

I am in the midst

of a proverbial twist

I have not the mind to fix

So I take a chance

At life’s humility dance

And fight the urge to resist

Instinct be my guide

On this sensational ride

I leave my fate in your hands

I have not a plan

So expectations be damned

I’ll take it however I can

The more I enjoy

The higher I float

Wading deeper till forced to swim

I’ll go with the flow

Let the intensity grow

As I step out on this limb

My minds in a daze

Of emotional haze

The intensity has no end

I’m addicted to you

It’s undeniably true

So let the journey begin

It’s not often I write something that gives me chills every time I re read it. This one does it for me. I have others that do it but this one really does it. Hope you get the chilly willy’s too.

welcome to my mind, its a strange place to be
but at least you can leave when you want to

mr. me

11/1/2007

    So i neglected to do my the lunch time update, big deal.  I'm doing it now so bite me.  i am trying my best to make this a daily thing but even though my writing has been jump started, i am rather new to this whole blogging thing.  it's gonna take me some time to make it a routine.
    I probably would have updated sooner, but we just happen to have just passed my most favorite of holidays.  HALLOWEEN.  i love dressing up and scaring the mess out of people.  i love halloween so much that i have a few haiku's that i did in honor of the day.  and yes i'm going to torture you with a few. 
    this one was done back in 2000:    

Halloween Advice

Knock to get your treat
When the porch light is turned off
No more candy here

    this one was also done back in 2000

Happy Halloween I

Trick or treaters come
Wonderful costumes to see
Candy with a smile

    i won't list them all. at some point, i'll probably just make a list of them along the side so you can enjoy them at your leisure.  i haven't decided if i like doing haiku yet.  seems easy but it really isn't.  takes a bit of time to fit the rules and then make sure it makes sense.  even though its not exactly in the true spirit of a haiku, meaning they don't really have much to do with nature, they are in the form of a haiku.  like it or hate it, it is my creation.  a small sample of the batch i did that year.  i must have at least 20 haiku's by now from holiday themed to general.
    i've done some more writing lately.  now on the surface that may seem like a big so what, but considering i haven't signed my name to a new poem since oh about 2002, this is big news for me.  
       THIS JUST IN, AJ WRITES AGAIN!!!!!!!!!
    ahhh it had a better impact in my head.  not everything that is thought up can be transferred to paper with ease.  somethings take a while to get the words to fit just right.  my newest writings took a few days to get out of my head and onto the paper, but once i get rolling, they just flow.  it's not quite writer's block, i'm not stuck on a sentence or concept, its more like getting over the fear of creating something that won't be accepted or liked.  i want to write the words down, but my nerves stop me.  eventually i break through and its like a damn has given way to this flood of words that just keep on flowing.  i honestly stopped myself before i wrote something too revealing or to controversial. 
    finding the time to write is another thing.  work has been crazy for the past 2 weeks and i've just been too damn worn out to sit and empty my head.  maybe now that i've started this wonderful little blog, purhaps it will serve as my penseive(my homage to dear old Harry Potter) and i'll be able to leave my thoughts here just to get them out of my head, and then come back to them when i need to ponder some more.
    so since i've promised it and i've written it, it just makes sense that i would go ahead and post it.  after 4 revisions(another new concept to me) i have finally signed my name to the bottom of a new poem.  wanna see it??? hope i didn't hype it up too much, its just a bunch of words that were floating around in my head and needed a nice place to say for a while.  here goes.

Without You

 

As bad as I want you here with me

You need to stay far away

I'm liable to act out all the things

I've been unable to say

These feelings erupt inside me

Before I realize they're there

I want to have you close to me

Bad timing makes it so unfair

 

I never new how bad I needed you

Till I needed you to be here

I never new how missed you were

Till missing you brought me to tears

I never knew without you,

Life wouldn't feel right

I realize now without you,

There really is no life

 

I can try to fight it off

Try to ignore what's deep inside

I'm spinning my wheels trying to run away

When I should just enjoy the ride

I've learned yet again what I always knew

Don't judge a book by its cover

I'm lost in your pages and soaking you up

You're a read that's like no other

 

I want to give you what you've given to me

Till your skin heats up like mine

I want to engulf you in all that I am

Till we both lose track of time

I realize you're inside my head

I know this fact to be true

I know now what I've known all along

I would be totally lost Without You.

    okay there you have it, after years and months and days of waiting, i've finally created something new.  i'm not even sure how i feel about it yet...that's such a lie, i'm feeling it.  i felt it.  its not easy for me to just share my thoughts so openly and freely.  but i figured i'd take a chance and just see where it leads.  maybe i'll be encouraged to write more.  writing is in my blood.  i was born to write.  i just need to trust my instincts more and let the pen(or keyboard) flow. 
    okay its time to head out now.  i'm tired so i doubt i'll be doing any updating later.  but hopefully i'll be able to get some more write time in.  don't worry i have hundreds of poems to share.  it's just gonna take me some time to ferret them all out and find the right spot for them.  till then happy reading.

welcome to my mind, its a strange place to be
but at least you can leave when you want to

mr. me

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Lunch time update

So if all goes well, I hope to develop the routine of updating this blog thing at least once a day while I’m at lunch. There will be times when I share my hour with others which will make blogging a much more difficult thing so in that case I’ll have to wait.

I really am not sure quite how to go about this, so I’m just gonna have to fly by the seat of my pants. Let me tell you though, if not for the auto correct function of MS Word, there would be no proper grammar in this writing. Forget about punctuations (a word I was having trouble remembering this morning) and quotations. As long as you get the point I’m trying to make then I’ve done my part.

For as long as I can remember, proof reading was never my strong suit. I’d read enough to make sure (or rather use spell checker) the spelling was correct and that I didn’t use a word too many times, but for the most part, I’ve always just wrote what came to me. It’s how I’ve always written my poetry, I get an idea in my head and I just run with it. I write or type until I feel like its time to stop, then I stop and look it over. I’m not looking to make adjustments, but more to make sure it says what I was feeling at the time.

Writing for me has always been like conversing with someone. Like a battle of wits where you always think of the perfect retort only after the conversation is over. With my writing, I can think of what to say, and then wait for that perfect retort to come before I actually respond. The end result is usually everything I wanted to say without the need to go back and edit it 100 times. Very rarely do I, if ever, edit a poem that I deem complete. I sit down, pour out my soul to the paper and then take a deep breath.

There are some creations I have that are so intense with my emotion that I actually have a hard time reading them and not re living the experience. Almost everything I write is based on a personal experience. That being said, there are plenty of creations I have that I have never EVER experienced before. I either created them at the request of someone else or I just let my wonderful imagination take me to where I might think the experience would take me. If you can tell the difference, then I haven’t done a good job of writing.

Not everything I create has a form to it. I do a lot of rhyme and prose. I am hoping to give myself some more structure through this blog. I’m hoping to incorporate some traditional styles into my arsenal and share them here. If all goes well, I’ll be sharing a lot of my past and present creations here. I’ll either post them directly into the blog or I’ll post a link to them.

Funny how time flies when you get in a groove. My trusty watch is telling me I have 2 minutes to get back to work. So this shall end here. But I’ll leave you with a sample of what I have to offer. I leave you with the very first poem I ever created, no prompting no reason, I just sat down with a notebook, grabbed me a pencil and wrote until it felt right to stop writing. I will mention that I was in High School at the time 10^th grade to be exact. And I do remember the precise reason for the poem, the location it was written in, and why it catapulted me into the creative writing world. I feel like I’m baring my soul for the world to judge, but ah well, here goes.

As If You Couldn’t Tell

As if you couldn’t tell every time I said hello .

As if you couldn’t see that I was really feeling low.

As if you couldn’t sense the emotions I conceal.

As if you couldn’t find the nerves to tell me how you feel.

If the love I have for you is only but a phase,

What is it that keeps my thoughts on you throughout the day.

As many times as I’ve dreamed of you you’d think I was obsessed.

When in fact your thoughts are true and I’ve made you my only quest.

Times before I’ve tried to tell you how I feel but I have failed.

So I put my thoughts in a letter to you but still to no avail.

You shouldn’t be so calm knowing I feel the way I do.

Unless the thought of being my girlfriend has never occurred to you.

No matter what the outcome is you’ll remain in my mind,

As the girl who stole my heart at a certain point in time.

But if I had one wish, I’ll tell you what I’d do,

I’d wish that when I said I love you, you’d say I love you too.

welcome to my mind, its a strange place to be, but at least you can leave when you want to.

mr. me

In the beginning was a word

I am not sure what my true intent is or will be. I have always wanted to start a blog that i would actually maintain. i've tried to keep up on myspace, but i never really do. so here i am in another attempt to start something i am sure i have no real desire to do.

believe it or not, i am actually a very private person. damn near hermit status, but in short existence here on this earth, i realize that life cannot be contained in one tiny little spot. as much as i may be uncomfortable with it, just by existing, there will always be people who want to know more about you. You can either share yourself with them and give them facts to talk about, or they will make them up as they see fit. knowing people like i do, i am assured that even with the details and bits of info i share here, they will still make it up as they see fit. never-the-less, i will attempt to share as much of me with you as i can without making those who have to share the air around me uncomfortable.

as much as i can not be embarrassed, i do not wish to embarrass anyone else. that's not to say i don't get uncomfortable, because i do. i just pick and chose what things i feel like being uncomfortable about. so in the time i spend sharing my thoughts and feelings and poetic offerings, you may learn somethings about me that you didn't know, or some things you wish you'd never known. in either case, if you should chose to read my ramblings, you will learn something about me. good or bad, you will learn something. one of the first things you will learn is that i disdain grammar. i hate having to capitalize words just because of where they land in a sentence. if i capitalize a word, it will be for DRAMATIC EFFECT, and not just because it starts a new sentence.

so if you've made it this far, i invite you to continue on this journey. i do not promise that it will be interesting, exciting or chalked full of great adventure. I do however promise that it will be me 100% and completely without apology. if you should read something that you do not agree with, feel free to have an opinion, and feel free to know that i probably don't care. all thought i welcome your opinion(mainly the nice ones like the encouraging ones) but that doesn't mean i have to like it. i am a very opinionated person myself, so yours will probably clash with mine. if it does, i will simply ignore you and move on with my life. if for some strange reason we share the same opinions and thoughts and views on life, then i shall have to remember to pray for you.

welcome to my mind, its a strange place to be, but at least you can leave when you want to.

mr. me